so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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