my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
