remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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