Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
