I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
