I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Randomize
