Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
he puts the penis in happiness.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize