How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
