Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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