New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
