I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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