so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
