I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
