I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
