Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
