ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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