dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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