Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
