I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
