i wish my penis had a tongue
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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