is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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