Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
