My Higher Power is John Stamos
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
