Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
