I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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