so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
