I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
