This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
