when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize
