is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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