it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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