Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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