I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
