She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
she smelled like a LAN party
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
