Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Randomize
