My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
