I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
