Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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