enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
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