Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize
