I wish I could punch you in the face.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
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... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
