is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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