I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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