John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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