Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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