And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
