She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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