I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Randomize
