I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
