Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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