So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize