First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
