theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
and she was petting her beer can
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
