I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
