She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
