We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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