I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize