Where did you get a picture of my penis
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
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