She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
