well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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