I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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