the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
