I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
is that a dick in a sweater?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
