I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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